Holding On and Letting Go
by ProfTweety
Summary: Ch 1: Bill need only watch Laura accept dying to know he'd never get away from the grief. Ch 2: It hurt him to hear her sob and give into the pain. Ch 3: She had decided to live life as she wanted and die on her own terms. Ch 4: Though her time would be cut short, they'd spend what she had left loving one another and, for them, that was enough.
1. Chapter 1

_**Holding On and Letting Go**_

 **Disclaimer** : I own nothing related to _Battlestar Galactica_.

 **Summary** : Bill Adama had only to look at the woman he loved, watch Laura Roslin accept that she was dying, to know he'd never get away from the grief.

 **A/N1** : Thanks to those who reviewed my previous #BSG fics. Y'all's are awesome!

 **A/N2** : Enjoy! Leave a _review_ if you feel so inclined. They are ever _so_ appreciated. **#TodayIsLife**

~~~~~PT~~~~~

" _I like this service," she'd leaned over and whispered to him._

" _It's not for me," he'd replied back quickly._

" _I know but I want you to know what I like," she'd explained._

Their lives had been filled with so much sadness of late. Everywhere either of them turned, death or dying was right there. It was a fact of life, yes, but it seemed to be so much more prevalent. There seemed to be no way to get away from it. Giving notifications to grieving widows or widowers, funeral wakes at dawn; the sorrow was ever present on his ship.

Bill Adama had only to look at the woman he loved, watch Laura Roslin accept that she was dying, to know he'd never get away from the grief. Never could he accept the loss of her. No matter how much she tried to prepare him, he fought against it. Nowhere in his mind, in his heart, or in his soul, could he ever accept losing her.

" _I don't want people talking about you, Bill, and I better_ _ **never**_ _hear anyone say anything about you," she had stated with determination. It was during their conversation about Starbuck, the same conversation when he'd asked her to stay. But she wanted to protect him and she would._

True to her word, she set out to keep him and his reputation from being smeared by the gossipmongers in his crew and the fleet. Rather than spend all of her treatment days in Adama's quarters, Laura chose to stay in Sick Bay away from the peering eyes of strangers who would gossip about their arrangement.

Their relationship was theirs; it wasn't open to commentary, speculation or jokes. Despite their titles, they were real people, humans just as those who spoke out of turn about them. In public, they were respectful of their titles but in private, their time was their own and hers was being cut short. She was running out of time to live her life, to prepare him for her death, to allow herself to love if she ever gathered the nerve to admit that's what it was between them. He had said the words but she had yet to voice them. A life of living on her own, of being afraid to truly love because love meant loss, made her incapable at that point to admit certain things to herself and thus she couldn't admit them to him. Whatever she felt for him, whatever she could admit to feeling at that time, she knew one thing. She'd protect him till the end, no holds barred. No one could come after Bill Adama if she had anything to say, or do, about it.

" _I can't live without her," he'd honestly admitted as he prepared to wait alone in the sky for the woman he loved._

When President Roslin saw the opportunity to make the Cylons mortal, she couldn't pass it up. Informing Baltar he was going with her, they took off for the Cylon Baseship.

For forty-eight hours, Roslin and Adama did what they had to do for their fleet, for the survival of humanity, but the other was never out of their own thoughts.

With each jump, Laura conversed with the spirit of Elosha, saw her own demise and the grief Bill experienced. _"Rest, I won't be selfish anymore," he'd tearfully said._ WhenElosha pointed out she doesn't love people anymore, she was, deep inside, not in agreement but seeing that image of herself and the man who loved her touched her heart and she thought about them, their relationship, and decided to name what she felt for him.

As time passed, the more worried Adama became that he'd never see again but never voiced those fears aloud. Rather, he spoke of finding her safely and returning her home to Galactica. His argument with Col Tigh made it clear he shouldn't take resources for his own personal quest so he made the decision to wait for her on his own. Relinquishing his command to Tigh, explaining to his son why he had to complete this solo mission, and sitting in the raptor as the ships jumped away all made perfect sense for a man deeply in love. He'd wait for her to show up at the rendezvous point. He'd have her to himself while he brought her home. He'd have her to himself when he brought her back to his quarters and asked her to stay with him that night.

" _Missed you," he'd said because she was standing right in front of him; alive, breathing and unharmed despite the blood on her blouse._

" _Me too," was all she could manage to get passed the lump in her throat._

As they were holding onto each other, she stopped fighting with her heart. "I love you," came out on a whisper; quiet but heartfelt.

She enjoyed the feel of his arms as they tightened around her then saw the look in his eyes as they became wet with happiness at finally hearing those words. "About time," was just so him and when he pulled her back into his arms, she cried with everything she had now that the walls were tumbling down.

He'd always thought they'd be alone when they professed their love for one another. In a sense they were but the Cylon Baseship didn't allow for them to make love and that's always what he envisioned happening after she said those precious words to him for the first time. He just wanted to take her home, take her back to his quarters and back to his bed. He wanted to hear her say she loved him while he moved within her. He needed for them to whisper words of love and life, kiss away each other's tears, and make each other smile while she enveloped him.

The Cylons had other ideas.

" _I'm going to keep your people hostage," Deanna announced suddenly, ending his plans._ She wanted him to go back to Galactica with her and Roslin agreed. Heaven help that woman when she's on a mission, he thought.

He'd gone back to his ship and watched as Tory offered to bring Laura her medicine when Deanna returned. Knowing nothing of who the Cylons amongst his fleet were, he was just glad Laura's break in treatment would come to an end. Doc Cottle had impressed upon him how dangerous it was for her during the break and emphasized how much she needed to begin treatment again. Tory was taking care of her while he couldn't and that thought sustained him.

He had no way of knowing that Tory told her former boss she was a Cylon returning to her people. He had no way of anticipating the heavy truth Saul Tigh would share with him as a way of getting the hostages back. His best friend was a Cylon; he could use that once he got past the pain of the knife through his heart at the betrayal he felt and the loss. Oh, there was so much loss, or potential for loss, in his life. It overwhelmed him. Wanting to take away the pain, he drank and hurt himself and Lee promised, when he found him on the floor of his bathroom, to take care of it for him.

He couldn't kill his best friend but Lee could because the man had deeply wounded his father. Lee could flush him out of an airlock, after punching him of course, but then there were others to be found; others to be used as tools of negotiation and he wanted them too. He would flush them all out of the airlock if that would help his father. In the end, having the Cylons got him the release of the hostages and that's what his father wanted most because he needed Laura back. For the life of him, Lee couldn't figure that one out but he'd have the chance soon enough to observe them.

" _What don't you know, Bill, hmm?"_

The soft voice she used with him. The gentle touch as she moved around him. The way her hand naturally went to rest on his arm. His father's reaction to her presence; the way he smiled at her. He saw a similar expression on her face and Lee finally knew what he was seeing. They were in love. It wasn't just his father who felt it, _she_ did too. It was so obvious to him in that moment. They were happy with each other and they were in love.

With his son present and their mission to find Earth upon them, making love would have to wait. _Again_. Though he wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around her, kiss her senseless and take her to his bed to hear her say those words while they were joined as one.

" _Take us to Earth," she'd tearfully said after he'd told her to give the command._

It was her faith, her belief that brought them there, so close to Earth. It was she who had made him want it just as much as the rest of them. It was only fitting she give the command. Once the coordinates and everything else had been verified, she reached out and took his hand. Without caring what the crew thought, he wrapped her in his arms and held on tight as she leaned on his shoulder. Lee observed them and his earlier belief was confirmed. They were in love.

When they got to Earth, what they saw only had words of hopelessness coming from her afterwards. The desolation was too much. By the time they returned to Galactica, her words were gone. She'd processed the barren landscape, the broken world, the lost dreams, the inaccurate prophecies, and turned inside herself. As much as he tried he couldn't break through to her heart.

" _Don't touch me," she'd cried. "Just go," she'd added and his world fell apart immediately._

Wanting to check on her, he'd gone to her quarters, the quarters she'd insisted he find for her on Galactica to avoid more gossip. The sight before him clenched his heart. She was sitting on the rug, lighting the Scriptures of Pythia on fire. Page by page, she watched it burn. She'd lost hope and, worse yet, faith.

Sitting beside her, he asked about her missed treatment, hoping she'd reschedule it but she didn't want to do that. While she didn't admit she was giving up, he could tell she was or already had. He'd spent so much time since she had whispered those words just wanting to hold her. Now was his chance and so he touched her but she moved his hand away, like it burned her as much as that fire would, and told him not to touch her. She was crying, she was hurting, he knew, but the pain he felt at her words couldn't be softened by that knowledge.

When she told him to go, he felt his heart break. He was losing her and she was still alive. Rising slowly, he took a good long look at her, one last glance. This was not how he pictured things would happen after she said she loved him. The reality was that they were so far from that moment just then. Images of making love and whispering truths were replaced by the heartache he felt at her latest words. Don't touch me. Just go. Those were the words he had left of her.

" _Do it," he'd challenged his friend, not realizing he was giving him an understanding of his words, his actions, and thereby ending all chances of getting what he wanted._

The pain he felt couldn't be assuaged with the alcohol this time. As drunk as he was, he still felt it. He still heard her words taunting him. He still loved her with all his heart. His daughter-in-law committing suicide didn't help. He blamed himself for it. He blamed himself for the fighting he saw in the corridors, for the tears people were shedding everywhere on his ship, and for the words spray painted on the walls. Frak Earth.

There was no getting away from the sadness and sense of loss. He knew how to end it and so he headed to his best friend's quarters to make that happen. Adama wanted to die but he couldn't do it himself so he'd gone to Tigh in the hopes he'd make him angry enough to pull the trigger and end it all for him. Fortunately, despite both of their weapons aimed at his head, his friend was smart enough to realize what he was trying to do.

Afterwards, they shared stories they hadn't yet mentioned, despite their thirty years of friendship. In the end, Saul asked him what the hell had gotten into him and he shared what transpired between him and Laura. The pain was palpable as he spoke and Saul shared it. Try as he might, he didn't know how to fix it but he might come up with something if given enough time, he thought. Watching his friend leave for his own quarters, he prayed to the Gods to just let him sleep it off so he didn't try it again, on his own, all alone in the quarters he once shared with his love.

 _That little weed she pulled should've been a sign of hope amidst the barren landscape but it wasn't, not for her, but she held onto it as if it meant_ _ **something**_ _. She just hadn't figured out what that something was yet._

They had no way of knowing that while all of this was going on throughout Galactica, the President had fully retreated inside her shell. She was shut down to the world and hoping no one was able to get through.

The idea that she had lost Bill crossed her mind but she'd done that to herself. If he was smart, he wouldn't be back, she sighed. How many times could he let her hurt him before he gave up? It wasn't that she wanted him to, she didn't.

The only way she knew to deal with pain was to hide, to cry where no one could see her, and to stay sheltered in place until she felt able to come back out. That was her life. That was how she did things. That was how she'd handle things now too.

Only she'd truly and deeply hurt the man she loved and that made her want to hide more. Hide from the reality that her faith was misplaced, the Scriptures were wrong. Hide from the reality that Earth was a frakked up desolate landscape habitable to no one. Hide from the fact she had told Bill she loved him and then, based on events after that, had broken his heart. Hide from the fact she took the one thing away from him he was so afraid to lose. _Her_.

She just needed to hide from it all. Because she had caused irreparable damage and she didn't know how to get passed that. Because she hurt and so, to save herself, she just shut down and lay on that rug for the remainder of the night.

[ **TBC** ]

 **A/N3** : Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

_**Holding On and Letting Go, Ch 2**_

 **Disclaimer** : I own nothing related to _Battlestar Galactica_.

 **Summary** : It hurt him to hear her sobs as she finally let go of all pretenses and gave into the pain.

 **A/N1** : Enjoy! Leave a _review_ if you feel so inclined. They are ever _so_ appreciated. **#TodayIsLife**

~~~~~PT~~~~~

They'd gone to work, he and Tigh, with heavy thoughts on their minds. They had to do something to make the people feel better. They had to find some place to live where the stars were above, not around, them. Adama was used to working after sleeping it off. Pills and alcohol were prominent in his life by then. Their President was still a no-show, still hiding and Bill planned to find time to check on her at some point during the day. Despite her not wanting him there, he loved her and he didn't just walk away from, or give up on, people he loved.

By the time he was able to go to her quarters, there'd been more gossip about Zarek being the people's President; that Roslin was shirking her duties and responsibilities. Adama couldn't fathom that idea but he was more concerned about his Laura. Though, he corrected himself, she wasn't really his anymore.

Stepping into her quarters, he saw her lying on the rug, hand clasped around the weed he'd seen her pick from Earth. She was in the same clothes. He knew she'd stayed there all night which couldn't have been good for her body. She was in pain as it was, he reminded himself, though the kind of pain she was in now would supersede any other.

Somewhere in her fog earlier, she had heard her alarm go off. She didn't care. Zarek could handle the Government; that's what he wanted anyway. Lee would help him as a liaison to his father since the two men couldn't stand each other.

She didn't move as he approached. Her eyes remained closed. She didn't want to see him, didn't want to see the pain she inflicted or the concern she knew he still felt. The fact he was there, still checking on her, confirmed as much.

He stood over her, looking down at her in the fetal position. She was protecting herself. He could understand that. What he didn't understand was why she felt the need to protect herself from him.

"I know you don't want me here," he began, sadness in his voice. "I'm not staying." He sat down in front of her, hoping she'd open her eyes. She didn't. "I want to hold you, Laura, but you don't want me to touch you so I won't." She remained perfectly still. He lay down to see her better. He could tell she was awake, just ignoring him. He'd speak his mind regardless, knowing she could hear him. What she did about his words was up to her.

"People are sad about Earth. Some are hopeless and depressed. Some are angry. Some are suicidal." He thought about his own actions and hoped she never found out what he'd done. She didn't need to know how far down the hole he'd gone after she put him out of her life.

"I know you're hurt and lost," he said soothingly. "I thought I could help you through it. I know better now." His voice didn't hold anger, not even on the last part, even though he hadn't planned to say anything like that. She heard the sadness, the loss, she had caused. She felt her heart clenching as her mind replayed her words. She felt the tears begin to sting her still-closed eyes as she remembered the look of pain on his face. Only she could hurt him like that and she felt horrible knowing that.

"Earth is uninhabitable, that's just how it is. We're looking for some place else to live. Earth was a dream, so we pick another dream and make that one happen." He was trying to convince himself as much as her. He doubted he was succeeding with either.

"I was upset about it too." He hesitated enough to catch her attention even more. "I let my people down. I lost people who couldn't handle the disappointment." He debated with himself whether to make this personal or not. He debated how much of his thoughts and feelings he should share with her.

"I lost _you_ ," he said sadly, the sense of loss heavy in his words. She briefly wondered why he felt that way and the memories again floated back to the forefront of her mind. She had made it pretty clear how she felt about him being there. That's why he was so hesitant even then just to check on her briefly and share himself with her, believing she didn't want to hear it.

"I won't lie, I got drunk then drunker," he admitted. There was still no reaction from her. "I finally realized something, Laura," he left it open-ended briefly to see if she at least looked at him. She didn't.

"If Earth had been habitable, the dying leader wouldn't have made it to live there." He took a deep breath and thought he saw her eyes open a crack to check on him. "I would've lost you, Laura," he rasped and she knew he was losing his battle to remain calm and detached with her. "This way, I lost you but you're still alive. I don't have you but you're here. I'll be able to see you or hear about you. It's pathetic but -. It's enough that -," he couldn't finish his sentence. She wasn't sure exactly why but figured his emotions had gotten the best of him as he imagined his life without her. The tears in her eyes spilled over and he saw some make their way over the bridge of her nose before dropping to the rug. It pained him deeply not to be able to comfort her but he knew his touch wasn't welcome. That hurt him just as deeply and his eyes began to become even wetter than when he was speaking.

He noticed she didn't swipe at her tears. They continued dropping from her eyes, making their way over her nose and falling to the rug. Her eyes were now closed tighter than they had been before the tears began their escape. It took everything in him not to brush them away with his thumb. Not to wrap her in his arms and hold her as tight as he could. Not to tell her to stop being so closed off and just kiss her because they both needed it. It took everything he had to remind himself they were over. That's when he felt the first tear fall from his eyes. He wiped it away quickly, hoping for whatever reason she didn't realize it happened. Like that would be the only one.

She had opened her eyes a slit just when he was wiping at the tear. Seeing his pain only made hers worse because she'd caused it. Seeing his tears made hers flow quicker and she shut her eyes tightly to try to stop their flow. He saw how hard she was trying to ignore him, how hard she was trying to control her emotions and his hand reached out but he stopped it mid-air and brought it back.

"I've stayed here longer than I planned," he suddenly announced, strength back in his voice. It wouldn't be long-lived but it got her attention enough to fully open her eyes and look at him for the first time since he'd arrived. "I respect your decision. I don't understand it but I respect it," he said with resignation.

His eyes locked with hers and he saw the pain dwelling there. It was when he saw her tears ready to flow once more that his eyes filled again. "I love you, Laura, and I'm glad you're still alive," he managed to get out. "I didn't lose you completely." Though she had been crying silently, upon hearing his parting words, she sobbed without censoring it. His hand reached for her and he again pulled it back in mid-air. There was no point in unwanted touches. As he wiped his eyes roughly, he saw her reach her hand out to him. He didn't care that it was probably pity because she saw him crying. He didn't care that his fingers were wet from tears. All he cared about was seeing her hand reach out to him. Taking it quickly yet carefully, he put it up to his lips and gently kissed it then let go.

He didn't want to push her away further by trying to take more than she had to give. She comforted him with her touch. That had to be enough. Sitting up, he saw her eyes follow him. They continued to follow him as he stood. "I'll be back to check on you later," he said as he began walking around her.

It hurt him more than he ever imagined possible not to follow up on how she looked at him, how she watched him as he prepared to leave. It hurt him to hear her sobs as she finally let go of all pretenses and gave into the pain.

Had she only told him a few short days ago that she loved him? It seemed like an eternity. Love meant loss and this time the loss was her fault. When she heard the hatch close, she looked towards the door. She was alone. She was used to that but Bill had become such an important part of her life and she missed him. Reminding herself that it was all her own doing, she sobbed until there were no tears left.

Then she got up to begin her day.

[ **TBC** ]

 **A/N2** : Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

_**Holding On and Letting Go, Ch 3**_

 **Disclaimer** : I own nothing related to _Battlestar Galactica_.

 **Summary** : Laura had decided to live her own life as she wanted and die on her own terms.

 **A/N1** : Enjoy! Leave a _review_ if you feel so inclined. They are ever _so_ appreciated. **#TodayIsLife**

~~~~~PT~~~~~

Something didn't feel right while she was getting ready. She'd showered and gotten dressed but there was something she couldn't put her finger on that was nagging at the back of her mind. Knowing she was still upset about Bill's visit, his words hurting her so badly because her words had hurt him, she tried to put her misgivings aside and see how things played out.

Getting her medicine ready, the nagging thought came back stronger. _She didn't want to take the pills anymore_. Debating with herself over that decision, she slowly pushed the pills that were out already into the trash bin. Swaying from side to side, she debated with herself some more then pushed the pill bottles into the trash bin. Drinking water without the pills gave her time to debate a little more. She was comfortable with her decision.

She had decided to live her own life as she wanted and die on her own terms.

With that in mind, she changed into sweats and a tee and threw a sweatshirt over it. Sneakers completed the outfit until she decided to exercise and see how her body reacted.

She was already in the middle of her stretches when Bill came by to discuss work-related issues. He made that clear as he hesitantly approached her and announced, "Lee asked me to talk to you."

Adama had a problem with Zarek running the Government when it should be Roslin. He agreed with Lee that she needed to make a statement sooner rather than later because people were seeing Zarek as the President already. She told him she would but she needed time. In reality, she was done with being President. She just wanted to be _Laura_ and live her own life.

When he asked about her treatment, she didn't tell him she'd thrown out her prescription medications and didn't want to continue any of the other treatments. Instead she focused on the fact that despite his opening words, he couldn't help but worry about her. He loved her and he looked out for her. She didn't have to debate with herself at all to know she still loved him.

The problem was how he would react to her latest decisions. She wasn't up to finding out on that day so since they were done discussing work, she told him nicely, perhaps with a little flirting included, to go. For once, he didn't look pained as he prepared to leave. He asked her not to overdo it and she said she wouldn't. Of course, one never knows they're overdoing it until they've overdone it.

Saul had dinner with Bill to check on him and the situation with Laura. He wisely waited until dinner was cleared before he brought up the reason he was really there. They discussed him stopping by briefly to let her know his feelings about Earth. Bill quickly mentioned that his visits had been work-related after that.

Why don't you ask her if it's really over?" Tigh suggested.

"Because I know it is. Why would I ask?" His friend wasn't good at this, he decided. Then again, his friend loved a woman who consistently ran around on him. Saul just knew how to love.

"You're both hiding if you ask me," he offered. Upon seeing Bill's expression, he added, "I'm done, let's have another drink before I go."

Though he didn't want to initially, Bill ended up mentioning Laura and his concerns for her. Saul listened intently, not sure what kind of advice he could offer. When it became a certain time, he announced he had to leave while he could still find his quarters.

On the way, however, he stopped to see the President. The surprise on her face told him what he already knew. She would never expect _him_ to stop by to see her. Maybe, he thought, she was hoping it was the old man.

"What brings you here, Col Tigh?" She sat down in one of her chairs.

"The old man," he answered flatly, sitting down as he spoke.

"He asked you to come here?" She seemed genuinely surprised and confused. "He could've come over here himself."

"He didn't ask," he defended his friend, "and he can't very well just come over whenever the hell he wants."

She looked at him closely and determined he had been drinking but wasn't drunk. "Yes, he can."

"That's not what you told him. He only comes here for work."

She closed her eyes and sank further into the chair. Bill had shared his pain with Col Tigh. Of course, he would tell his best friend. "If he didn't ask you to come, then why are you here?"

"I told you, I'm here because of Bill," he answered, looking at her as if she'd been the one drinking.

"Say what's on your mind, Colonel," she sternly advised.

He took a few seconds to gather his thoughts. He wasn't really sure what the hell he was thinking stopping over to see her but since he was there he'd have to say something. "Earth being frakked up wasn't his fault."

"I know that," she replied, still a bit confused about the Colonel's reason for visiting. "I never said it was."

"You broke up with him or you ended your friendship with him, whatever the hell it is you're both calling it these days."

"I asked him to leave," she spoke softly, "because I needed time to myself."

"That's not how he took it. Something about now he can't even touch you." He grimaced. "I don't want to know."

That made her smile, despite the severity of their conversation. "I'll clarify everything with Bill." She paused, "Just not yet, but I will."

He began to stand. "You better make it soon."

"Is there something you're not saying?"

"Other than he's hurt, which is something men don't really talk about?" He began heading towards the hatch. "Don't wait too long. If he means anything to you, that is."

With that he left. He'd been afraid he would mention what happened in his quarters if he stayed too long. It wasn't his place to tell her how much she'd hurt Bill.

Laura spent a long while thinking about Col Tigh's visit in conjunction to those of Bill's since she had made him leave. She knew the Colonel was keeping something from her but she respected his friendship with, and loyalty to, his old friend.

The thought of calling before she went to bed crossed her mind but then she decided that was a conversation to be had in person. He'd most likely ask about her treatment again and she didn't like lying to him. She'd have to come clean soon, she told herself.

The next day she skipped her appointment, not wanting to give Dr Cottle the opportunity to try to talk her out of discontinuing her treatment. Having a lot of energy, she decided to go for a jog. Literally bumping into Bill wasn't in her plans. It was early and he should've been in his quarters or on duty in CIC.

Laura already knew he wouldn't be happy with her decision and discussing it in the corridor hadn't been what she planned when she thought about informing him. Being flippant wasn't the right approach either as that just riled him up even more than he already was. Cottle had called him and he was pissed that she lied to him the last time he asked her about the treatment.

Deciding to be honest with him wasn't easy but it had to be done. His quarters would've been better but the corridor would have to do. She told him she was done playing the role of the dying leader and wanted to live before she died. When she asked him if she'd earned that, he agreed she had. Telling him he had too surprised him. She knew too much had fallen on his shoulders and there was only so much one man could carry. While the extent of his troubles was yet to be revealed to her, what she did know only strengthened her belief of how strong and courageous he truly was. She kissed him because she wanted to, because she missed him and because he would always be a part of her life. That's what it meant when she loved someone enough to admit it to him. Then she told him nicely to get out of her way, which he did, and she continued her run.

Laura was tired by the time she made it back to her quarters but, for the first time in a long time, it was a good tired. She felt almost refreshed and full of life. Wanting to live and die as she pleased included, she realized, being more honest with Bill than she had the chance to be in the corridor. Taking away his pain was a large part of her plan.

[ **TBC** ]

 **A/N2** : Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

_**Holding On and Letting Go, Ch 4**_

 **Disclaimer** : I own nothing related to _Battlestar Galactica_.

 **Summary** : Though her time would be cut short, they'd spend what she had left loving one another and, for them, that was enough.

 **A/N1** : Enjoy! Leave a _review_ if you feel so inclined. They are ever _so_ appreciated. **#TodayIsLife**

~~~~~PT~~~~~

Hours later, a break in his schedule, he stopped by to see her. Once they'd gotten work-related issues out of the way, she'd asked him to stay a few minutes longer. Explaining that she was not interested in being President and had no intentions of being pulled back into that life had not taken long and Adama said nothing related to work afterwards. That left some time for a personal conversation so she'd made the request for a few more minutes which he, true to his nature, didn't deny her.

"I stopped my medications," she admitted with some hesitation.

"I kind of figured if you stopped the treatments, you stopped everything," he said as he stood up causing her to do the same.

"No speeches? No questions?" There was no way, she believed, he was letting her off the hook that easily.

"You've earned the right to live your life before you die," he explained, a tinge of sadness seeping into his voice.

"With whom I want?" She was trying to ease her way into explaining her actions that first time he'd stopped by after they saw the disaster called Earth.

He seemed uneasy but quietly answered, "Yes, you've earned being with whomever you want, Laura." Because he wasn't sure it was still him, a shadow of doubt crossed his features and the sadness in his voice now reached his eyes.

"So if I explain that I just needed some time to myself to make these decisions?"

"You could've just said that," he responded with a small smile. It was something.

"I was in so much pain, Bill, and I didn't know how to share it because I've always handled that part of myself alone." Moving closer, she stopped right in front of him but refrained from reaching out. "I'm sorry I hurt you, Bill."

"It's hard to change, Laura, but you have started to let me in," he reminded her. "I accept your apology."

He didn't reach out to her as she'd thought he would so she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I love you," she whispered. One day, she knew, she'd be able to say it louder but in that moment, she was nervous and sorry and still getting used to saying the words. He also needed to go back to work.

"I love you too," he rasped. Given what they'd been through the last few days and the momentous decisions she'd made recently, he wanted her to hear him say it again. It was important she hear the actual words.

Tears in her eyes, she pulled him into a hug. His arms wrapped around her immediately and held her tight. "I've earned the right to be with whomever I love?" she asked.

"Yes, you have," he repeated.

"Even if that's you?"

" _Especially_ if it's me," he answered, his body relaxing a little.

She kissed his shoulder then began softly kissing down his neck, making her way along his jaw line and the corner of his mouth.

As much as he wanted to give in to her, he had his own thoughts to share before he did. "I don't just want you in my bed, Laura. I want you in my quarters." If she planned to live and die as she pleased, leaving him behind grieving, he wanted as much time being a couple as he could get.

A look of surprise crossed her features before she smiled at him. "You're still the Admiral, Bill, they'll still talk."

"I've told you before I don't give a frak what they say. _If_ we're doing this, Laura, we're doing it _together_." He didn't mention anything about her impending death, a death that would happen much sooner now that she'd stopped all forms of treatment.

"We're doing this, Bill. I'll be there when you get home," she assured him. She didn't need separate quarters, not anymore. Her time would soon be over and no one should care that they'd spent the end of her life living together.

He kissed her then. Deeply and passionately, far more passionate than he should've knowing he was going back to work but she'd just agreed to spend the remainder of her life with him and his emotions spilled over. He'd get them back under control before he opened the hatch but right then he enjoyed the feel of her body against him, the feel of her tongue as it danced with his, and the feel of her hand as she moved it along him.

When they finally moved apart, he kissed her gently and told her he'd try to get off early. She teasingly told him to try very hard before kissing him again. This time was calmer; they'd save their passion for later.

"My quarters," he reminded her as he began walking towards the hatch.

"Ours," she corrected him with a smirk and a wink.

Towards the end of shift, his conversation with Zarek over and Tigh now covering for him, he mentioned his plans for a nap. Needing an update on their latest crisis, he mentioned he'd be with the President.

Entering her quarters, Bill noticed the boxes already packed. Rather he presumed they were since they were closed. "Tigh might call here with an update for me," he informed her as he walked over.

"Why would he call here?"

"Because I told him I need a nap and that I'd be here with you." It seemed perfectly logical to him.

Smiling, she agreed, "We will need a nap."

Understanding her meaning, he began unbuttoning his jacket. He'd gotten as far as two when she kissed him and undid the others. Her sweatshirt was unzipped and off her shoulders before he realized he'd even started. His jacket joined it as did his tanks and her tee. When she began undoing his pants, he knew they needed to make their way to her bed. Standing next to it, they removed the remainder of each other's clothes before settling on the mattress.

Urgent kisses and rushed touches soon gave way to slow, deep kisses and tender caresses.

As he entered her, he rasped, "I thought I lost you."

Caressing his face, she again apologized for hurting him then added, "I love you, Bill."

It was what he wanted to hear while they were making love. It was how he had imagined it would be. "I love you, Laura."

Any other talk centered on what they were doing to each other, how they made one another feel.

After his update from Tigh and their nap, she piled the few boxes she had on a rolling carrier and he pushed it for her to his quarters.

After the hatch was closed, she whispered, "I'm home." She didn't expect him to hear it. It was her own reconciliation she needed to make. Whether she admitted it to him then or later, she first had to admit it to herself and she had done just that. The hard part was over.

At dinner, a sad look settled in his expression and she asked about it. Denying anything was wrong, he changed the topic and when they were done eating, he cleaned up.

As he was walking ahead of her to sit on the couch, she asked, "Is there anything I should know about after I told you to leave?"

He stopped short but didn't turn around. "No, why do you ask?"

"Why did Col Tigh seemed worried about you?" Her voice was soft. It was the tone he most responded to when she was seeking information or encouraging him.

"When?" Saul hadn't told him he spoke with her.

"One night he stopped by my quarters. He wasn't happy with me but didn't go into details. I said I would clarify everything."

"He didn't mention it to me," he muttered.

"He told me to take care of it soon if I cared about you, which I have. But it made me wonder, when I was thinking about it today, what made him so concerned that he would visit me and tell me to put a rush on it."

He sighed. She wasn't going to let it go. He knew her well enough to know that. Sitting down, he covered his face with his hands briefly. Now right next to him, she placed her hand on his arm.

"I was hurt. Dee killed herself. I was drunk and pissed at Tigh. I'd had enough." He began explaining it to her in pieces knowing she'd put them together.

"I'm sorry, Bill." She apologized again because she knew she was the straw that broke him. She'd apologize as much as she had to if it helped him.

"I know," he assured her, patting her thigh.

"That night," she softly prompted.

He sighed loudly. "I went to see Saul. I drank his liquor. I frakking goaded him." He squeezed her thigh. "I hoped he'd shoot me." He saw the tears in her eyes; tears of sorrow, guilt and love so he finished his story while he still dared. "I didn't have the balls to do it myself."

His eyes were now tearing up so she straddled him, pulled him tightly to her and felt his arms wrap around her as his tears wet her cheek. Soon enough, he felt hers and tightened his grip on her. "I don't want to lose you," she rasped.

He hadn't wanted her to know but he also didn't want to lie when she asked. With the truth out in the open, they shared cleansing tears for what they had both gone through, the pain they both felt, since they'd seen Earth.

As their tears began to subside, she softly kissed his neck until he turned and captured her lips in a deep, slow kiss that said more than words could in that moment. Their bodies responding to both the desire for one another physically and the need to just be close, to share this moment emotionally, he unzipped her sweatshirt and slid it off. Her tee followed; the wrap on her head going with it. In the midst of another slow kiss, her bra joined the rest of her clothes before she took his tanks off and ran her hands along his chest. He broke their kiss to mouth her breasts, one at a time, being sure to pay both equal attention. He'd gotten better at that since he'd seen how much it hurt both of them to ignore a part of her. Even if that part was taking her from him.

Standing, she took the rest of her clothes off then opened his pants and, when he lifted up a little, pulled them down. Straddling him once again, she captured his mouth before he could say anything. Sliding down on him slowly, matching the pace of their kisses, made him lose track of whatever he was thinking. Taking their time, enjoying being together, they moved in sync until they both fell over the edge. They held each other tightly as their breathing regulated.

Finding his voice, he teased, "I've had meetings on this couch."

"And now you've had me on it," she said with a wink. Getting serious, she practically whispered, "We're both alive, Bill, and we've earned being together. That's why you came to me the next day and spoke to me despite being ignored. You weren't ready to give up on us."

"Yeah, it is," he agreed with a gentle kiss, "I'm glad you didn't give up either." He pulled her back into him and held her as close as he could. "We've earned this, Laura."

Though her time would be cut short, they'd spend what she had left loving one another and, for them, that was enough. Though the physical body dies, love never does.

[ **The** **End** ]

 **A/N2** : You made it all the way through. Thanks for reading!


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